I talked to one of Chase’s friends today, a good friend of his. I told him this morning that Chase broke up with me, and he asked why so I explained. And he said it’s fucked that he did that.
After speaking to Jonny, I kind of have a different understanding of Chase.
He says that Chase doesn’t ever get close to anyone. And the only one that understands Chase, is Chase. He says he’s self-conscious and doesn’t speak personally with anyone.
I imagined Chase as this… invincible man with hopes and dreams and standards, like he’s tired of being pushed around because he’s small, so he developed a badass attitude inside of himself to get things clear and out so people will listen to him no matter what. The insults and sarcasm and jokes were also ways for him to seem, sort of friendly, even if they were insults that could of hurt someone serious. But it was his way of dealing with things because he’s not a serious person.
But now, with what Jonny told me, I feel that my perspective has changed a little.
Now I see Chase as this man who has something to hide. Whether it be about his past or his present or a hidden secret about himself that he doesn’t want anyone to know about. He won’t get close to anyone, because I think that, within himself, he’s afraid of getting hurt because he might of been hurt in his past. Inside, he’s scared, but he hides it very well. He doesn’t want to look weak. He doesn’t want to be in second. First, that’s what he’s about. Being first, being the strongest, being the best. Don’t disrespect, and do what he says, or you’ll be dropped and forgotten. He wants appreciation, and caringness. Someone sweet, but understands what he’s about and is there for him, regardless. And not serious. Serious is the opposite of what he wants, because if you’re to serious then he can’t crack a joke without you cracking a frown and it’s no fun for him. Getting off on your pain and laughter is what makes him smile. The jokes, it’s what he’s all about.
Such a convincing actor, I told you.
I told him. I told him I told him I told him that I’d be there for him, always. Communication with him is not his forte, and might not ever be until he learns, if he learns. Know what he’s thinking or you’re out, no arguing about it. Serious situations, leave him alone about it.
I wanted to be there to protect you, and be there for you. I still am, whenever you want to come back to me.
I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew that’d I’d listen. I’d be there. I won’t tell, I won’t blog, I won’t talk to my internet friends about it, I’ll keep it to myself. I promise.
December 09, 2009, 11:31pm
